Predatory individuals are the masters of creating and exploiting socially awkward situations; situations where we’re not sure what our response(s) should be. The sexual assailant who turns up at his best friend’s house, when he knows his friend is not home but his partner is, will take advantage of the fact that it would be impolite for her not to let him in – even when she may be suspicious of his intent and motive for turning up without any prior warning. The overly friendly person in the bar, who inserts himself into a conversation, will understand that most people in such a setting will not want to appear confrontational or unsettled, and this will allow him to either get his kicks from the uncomfortable situation, or perhaps start to implement some scam that he’s been rehearsing. These predators understand that society has rules and conventions that suggest how we should act and behave and that, in all likelihood, when put in a socially awkward situation, we will follow. These rules stipulate that if somebody we know comes to our door, we should let them in; if somebody is friendly to us, we should be friendly back, etc. The predators who aim to assault us know that there are social scripts that we all default to – if somebody says hello to us, it’s polite for us to say hello back, and rude (possibly confrontational) for us not to – and that when caught off guard, we will probably follow these behavioral guidelines, even though we may be uncomfortable doing so.

Women are more likely to be sexually assaulted by somebody they know, in their home or somebody else’s. It is frightening to me, the number of times women have told me about a male “friend” who has turned up at their house, dorm room, etc. unannounced, with some request that would involve them being let into the woman’s home – I mainly hear about the refusals, however I know that these are actually the minority, and that in most cases they will let the individual in, because it would be rude and perhaps socially unacceptable not to. If the male friend in question is part of a social group that you belong to, you may fear getting the reputation as somebody who is paranoid, suspicious, and unwelcoming, both to this person and perhaps to other members of the group; you may fear the judgment of the group for refusing to let him in – especially if this person is popular and well liked (and most sexual predators are). Predatory individuals understand this all too well, and are happy to use our fears, doubts and insecurities against us. A predator will have to “sell” you a story to gain access to you, and if they’re selling, you shouldn’t be buying.

We tend to imagine that violence is clear-cut, that everyone’s roles are clearly defined, and that the attacker’s intent is always visible, clear, and on display. This is often the case with spontaneous violence, e.g. if you spill a drink over somebody and they become aggressive, cut somebody off in traffic who decides to follow you, etc. However, if a predator needs to get close to you, before they enact their plan, they will need to be more surreptitious in the way they gain access to you, and this normally means putting you in a situation where you may want to refuse whatever request, behavior or action they’re engaging in, but aren’t sure of a polite or socially acceptable way to do so. This is where you need to have the confidence and the assurance not to play the “game”, to side step it, and not follow convention.

One of my students had an experience in a bar where an “over-friendly” individual came over to the group he was with, and started to try and engage members in conversation e.g. “How’s everybody doing? Is everybody having a good time? Are you having a good time?” etc. As he was doing this he was ruffling people’s hair, slapping them on the back, etc. It was an uncomfortable situation. The individual wasn’t behaving aggressively, although the intent was thinly veiled. It may be that his motive was simply to enjoy the “power” he had over everyone in the situation, that he enjoyed making people uncomfortable, and the inevitable confrontation, when somebody eventually asked him to leave, stop touching them, etc. - after all, he’d be justified to feel indignant when he was just being friendly, etc. In his game, the rules were simple: the group would either have to put up with his behavior, or ask him to leave – and it would be wrong for them to ask him to leave, because he was just being friendly, and it would be wrong to be rude/impolite to somebody behaving this way, etc. I used to see a lot of this behavior when I worked in bars and clubs; sometimes it would be an individual who would start up an overly friendly conversation with a girl/woman in order to make her partner/boyfriend, appear unreasonable, jealous, paranoid and rude, etc. It’s a game, where the predator sets the rules, and if you play the game, you lose – that’s the only outcome. My student didn’t play the game; when the individual started to ruffle his hair, he causally grabbed his hand and started to squeeze the thumb, removing the hand from his head, as he did this he smiled and said, “we’re all having a great time”. This wasn’t how the game was meant to go, and the individual in question walked away. When you take control off a socially awkward situation, it becomes awkward for the other party, because they are now playing by your rules (which they don’t understand).

We all have a choice - if you ever feel an individual has created an awkward social situation, to get you to comply with a demand or act in a certain way, you don’t have to play their game. If an individual has created a situation where you can either let him in to your house or refuse him entry, choose a third way e.g. tell him you were just leaving to go out. Predators will frame a situation in such a way as to make you believe you only have a limited number of options; options that they control and have responses for. Go off script, create another option. Personal Safety and Self-Protection, is not a set of rules, or “do’s and don’ts” but a creative process. Be confident and be creative in the solutions that you choose.