As any Cop will tell you intervening in a domestic dispute is a thankless, usually unproductive and not very rewarding task, however when a person’s safety is compromised it has to be done. As civilians we may witness domestic disputes, and acts of violence perpetrated by one partner against another, and despite us not having a duty to intervene we may feel compelled to do so. This blog article looks at ways to intervene as well as what you can expect, and not expect, to happen.

Firstly you should understand what the short term and long term effects of your interaction and intervention will be. When you took to individuals who work in Law Enforcement, you will find that a common reason for most joining the force was the belief that they could make a positive difference in their community. You will also find that one of the things that depresses them the most is that they end up dealing with the same individuals over and over again e.g. they apprehend a petty criminal who is shoplifting to support a drug habit, only to run into him again 6 months later, engaged in the same criminal activities, after he has served a short sentence, gone through a program, completed some community service etc. This is a fairly depressing cycle of events, especially for somebody who took on the job wanting and expecting to make a change. When you intervene in a couple’s row, argument or fight, you should understand that your intervention is unlikely to solve the underlying relationship problems of these individuals; all you can hope to do is ensure a person’s safety in that moment – and it is key to understand how short that “moment” may be.

You should also understand that the person you are trying to help may not want or appreciate your input, and may have played a part in creating the situation (this is not to say they are responsible or to blame for being dealt with in an overly aggressive or violent manner – just that the situation you are witnessing may not be as black and white as it first seems). One time walking back to my car with a fellow doorman, we heard loud banging and a woman’s scream somewhere in front of us. We couldn’t see anything but it was obvious that a woman was being assaulted. When we got a little further forward we could see that a man was slamming a woman violently against the glass of a shop doorway. The person I was with was a big guy, and he gently tapped the man on the shoulder and said, ”excuse me sir.” The guy who’d been slamming the woman against the glass, thinking we were police, replied, “Thank god your here can you tell her to give me my keys back.” When he turned round he realized we weren’t police, and what had been an attitude of relief turned to anger. From his shouting at us, and her shouting at him – now that she wasn’t getting slammed against the glass, she had started to resume her complaints against him – we deduced that they were in some form of intimate relationship, that they’d been out drinking at some bar and he’d asked her to keep his house keys in her purse, towards the end of the evening they’d had a row/argument over something, and she was refusing to give him his keys back; having run out of alternative solutions and feeling justified to do so he’d decided he’d get them back through physical force. That was what we’d walked in on. To make matters worse, after a few minutes of trying to convince her to give him the keys and sort the dispute out later, and explain to him that we couldn’t walk off without knowing he wasn’t going to assault her, four of the couple’s friends turned up. Buoyed by numbers we now became the villains of the piece, with the group, including the woman we’d tried to help, starting to act aggressively and violently toward us. That was our moment to back away and disengage, which allowed the new group including the couple to create a new dynamic that meant there wasn’t someone getting their head slammed off the glass.

When you intervene you should only do so in a manner and a capacity that you can manage, and you should be prepared to disengage and back away when your own safety is called into question. You should also recognize that the person you are trying to help may turn against you, as it may allow them a way to show support to their partner, and a means of ending the dispute – it doesn’t mean that the relationship is now a healthy one, just that at that moment they are able to find themselves on the same side. You may end up solving the issue in a way that you didn’t intend; our intention was to resolve the dispute however when the couple’s friends turned up, the situation was of one unified group against another and their personal dispute got forgotten.

It is very easy in these types of disputes to immediately take the side of the woman, especially if she is the one being assaulted however when dealing with violence it is sometimes necessary to put aside the rights and wrongs of a situation in order to be effective. The guy who was assaulting his partner had a genuine grievance (even though this didn’t justify his actions) that he wanted a resolution to i.e. he wanted his keys back. Sides had already been formed between him and her, and adding weight of numbers to her side would only isolate him further and make it look like his grievance wasn’t relevant. Any effective solution needs to include both partners, and not look like you are taking sides – even if it seems to you that it is very clear cut who is right and who is wrong. Using phrases such as, “is everything all right?” is much more effective than using phrases directed at a particular individuals, such as, “are you alright?” Both parties need to be included in resolving the situation.

Recognizing your limitations when you intervene is also key. You are not law enforcement officers and have no powers beyond that of persuasion. It may be very clear that things are not right, despite both parties saying they are, however you only really have one choice, which is to accept this; your only other would be to inform law enforcement. You don’t have the right to force the person you believe is at risk to come with you, as that is kidnapping, even if you believe they would be safer doing so. It has to be that person’s choice. You should also understand that this individual knows their situation much better than you do. Many people believe that women who stay in physically abusive relationships are passive players who are subjected to violence without being able to influence or exert any control over their situation, in fact women who are domestically abused are adept at trying to lessen the amount of abuse they receive and are extremely active in engaging in strategies to reduce the assaults they endure; they understand their situation and have found ways to manage it to some degree. You may think you have the answer/solution to their problem(s), but they have a much better understanding of what will escalate/de-escalate a situation for them. At the end of the day you have to respect this, and if somebody refuses your help, there may be a good reason for them doing so.

It is easy to create situations in our minds where we imagine that we intervene in a dispute, only to find out later that the person we tried to make safe was murdered by their partner, and then question if there wasn’t more we could have done. It is easy to focus on worst case scenarios and get eaten up by what ifs, however all we can do is what is possible in that moment. If we can make a person safe in that moment we have done all that was practically possible. If they ask for further help, then yes we can give it to them, but if they don’t we can’t. I have no idea what happened to the women we tried to help, over 20 years ago. I thought about her a lot in the immediate days after the incident e.g. if her partner later punished her for having stranger’s intervene in their dispute, whether they both talked and laughed about us as the losers who had to back away when their friends turned up etc. All I know is that in that situation we couldn’t have done much more, and I’ve got a lot better since at not imagining or asking too many what ifs, and hoping that when the time is right for people to make the long term choices that will change their lives the right people will be there to assist them.