De-escalation

In the last post, I talked about several of the dynamics that cause individuals to become angry, with anger being a necessary pre-cursor to physical violence. As I always say, violence doesn’t happen in a vacuum; people are motivated to move towards a particular emotional state e.g. if someone spills a drink all over you, this act motivates you towards anger, if a gang of aggressive individuals corner you in an unfamiliar bar, both the setting and their actions motivate you towards experiencing fear. It is these situational components that often cause us to freeze i.e. we don’t know how to act and behave in such situations. This is what makes training in a dojo or competing in a martial arts tournament so different to real-life situations; in an MMA contest, you know that you can win by knockout or submission (or possibly points) – that is your goal. If someone spills a drink over you during a night out, what is your goal? If you are cornered by a group of drunken, aggressive youths in an unfamiliar place, what is your goal?

When we look at the causes of anger that were discussed in the last post e.g. dominance, territorial rights etc, we must understand that we are subject to these emotional demands as well. If someone spills a drink over us, is showing an undue interest in our partner, we too will see our emotional state change i.e. e will become angry. Again what is our goal? To exert dominance, defend territory? When we become overly emotional ourselves we also become subject to and controlled by our emotions and may lose sight of what it is we are trying to achieve in the situation.

In my time working in bars/clubs I have seen countless individuals emotionally react to a situation, only to realize that they have bitten off far more than they could chew e.g. the target/subject of their outburst pulls a knife, or has friends who end up intervening. The desire to exerting dominance over another person may be emotionally compelling however it actually achieves little and is not without its risks – we lack the inbuilt hardwired controls of animals such as dogs and wolves who have instincts that recognize and respond appropriately to shows of dominance and know how to back-off safely i.e. a wolf who is in a power struggle and realizes they don’t have the ability to back up their position, only has to shows it’s throat and roll over on to its back to be left alone (as humans we have few clear signals that will be respected).

If you believe your martial arts skills give you an edge think again. We are the people who train. Why? Because we have to. There are plenty  of tough, vicious and hard individuals who’ve never trained and are extremely competent at handling themselves on the street – individuals who will think nothing of sticking a glass or bottle in your face or pulling a knife. Never underestimate the power of violence when it lacks a moral code. This is why the ability to de-escalate (as well as fight) needs to be part of your arsenal.

It is important to recognize that there are times when de-escalation is not the best course of action to take: 1) when a person is so overly emotional that they’re unable to process/understand verbal commands and questions and 2) when they are working to an agenda with specific goals and outcomes in mind – which it will be difficult/impossible to sway them from e.g. rape/sexual assault, hostage taking etc. If a situation developed spontaneously and a person has no pre-determined goal that they are working to, de-escalation has its place.

The first thing to understand is that resolution seeking is different to de-escalation. De-escalation involves removing the emotion from a situation and only then attempting to seek a resolution. In most situations when dealing with angry people, where violence is a real possibility, resolution may not be a viable goal e.g. it is probably not a good idea to try and resolve your right to be in a bar where a group of angry drunken men don’t want you to be there, much better to get as far away as possible.

The first step is to validate the other person’s anger; this often steals away their thunder and is a confusing response. An angry, emotional person is looking for a fight or flight response: they are expecting you to confront them or back away. Validation of their state runs straight between these two; agreeing with them that they have every right to be upset etc (don’t use the word “angry” as it has so many negative connotations that a person may mistake it as “fighting talk”). People process information according to their emotional state, providing a response that can’t be interpreted emotionally means that part of the brain is bypassed and the reasoning part is engaged. If a person is able to reason they have been moved away from acting solely on their emotions.

The language you use is extremely important. Telling someone to “calm down” is an instruction not a request. Anyone on the cusp of violence will interpret instructions as fighting talk. Asking someone to speak more slowly, so you can understand them better is a request rather than a signal of dominance. A request signals your desire to resolve the situation. Also by getting a person to slow down what they are saying you are forcing them to listen to their own words – another way of getting them to engage their reasoning brain.

Ask the person what they would like you to do or how you could sort the situation out. If they respond with reason or can suggest ideas, you have contacted the “reasoning brain”, if they want to continue to simply play a dominance game, you know where you stand.

Talking to an angry person is a good way to ascertain their emotional state and their ability to turn violent. If they are able to understand you and process what you say then you can continue on your course of de-escalation; recognizing at every point you may have to strike pre-emptively or act defensively. Adopting a de-escalation/interview stance will allow your body language to reflect what you are saying, as well as put you in a non-offensive but effective stance for delivering strikes and/or defending yourself. As always remember an attacker will attempt to deny you time and distance and so control of range is key.

When the person loses their ability to comprehend you and/or their ability to speak, it’s time to hit hard and beat them to the punch.