Few people believe that they are bad judges of character, or that they are prone to making bad decisions and/or errors of judgment – it’s just how we are hard-wired. When we hear of others who behave and act in ways, or make choices, that are detrimental to their safety, we often shake our heads and pat ourselves on the back, knowing that we would have acted differently. If you look at the comments on certain social media posts, you’ll get to read all about how somebody would have handled a threat or danger in a much more effective manner, than the poor soul who ended up getting attacked/assaulted, etc. I don’t know if this “self-belief” has increased in recent years, or if I have just started to notice it more, but I’ve been hearing more and more accounts of well-meaning individuals giving the advice, “if you’re ever in danger or feeling threatened and unsafe, call me.” This article looks at some of the reasons why this advice is both disempowering to those to which it is directed at, and why it is largely ineffective.

If you talk to those who work in Law Enforcement, they will tell you that most times when they receive a call concerning a violent incident, they arrive after it’s over – rarely before or during. This isn’t a criticism of police response times, but rather to illustrate that this “machine”, which is designed to, and has the resources to deal with incidents in the shortest possible time, isn’t often able to get there in time to stop something happening. If you call 911, that call isn’t going to get ignored, because the phone was turned off, or the ringer was turned to low, etc., that call will be picked up immediately and help will be dispatched straight away. Most of the time my phone is set to silent, and if I’m doing something that requires concentration, it is put away so that it’s not a distraction. I know there are some people who are on any call or text like white on rice, but none of us can beat the 24x7 response time of a 911 pickup, not to mention the various vehicles at different points around the city that a dispatcher can send to a scene. If these guys can’t get there in time, it’s unlikely that you will. Telling somebody to “call you” if/when they are in trouble/danger, probably means that you are going to be too late to intervene and prevent an incident from occurring. If somebody isn’t in immediate danger, and simply needs a ride or to be picked up, because they are unhappy and uncomfortable – but not in danger – then our response time is probably going to be acceptable and appropriate.

I was once teaching a women’s self-defense class when the topic of ridesharing safety came up. Someone was asking the question of what to do if she was in the back of an Uber and realized she was being taken somewhere other than her destination. Before I could respond, her mother (who was also in the class) interjected with “I’ve told you, you should always call me when you’re in that type of situation.” I pointed out that if the Uber driver was abducting the daughter, she would be better calling or texting 911 (a service now available in Massachusetts). Even assuming the mother could get to her daughter in the same time as law enforcement, she lacks the ability to stop a vehicle, and is unlikely to be able to physically deal with what may be a seasoned criminal. If the goal is to let her know so she can take over and call the police on her daughter’s behalf, the daughter would have to give her mother all of the details of the situation, and wait as her mother called/relayed these to the 911 dispatcher – in a dynamic fast moving situation these may be changing as this process is played out. It’s far better for her daughter to be directly connected with the police - something she could do more covertly via text if necessary. People may have a reluctance to make a 911 call – usually because they’re scared that they might be over-reacting etc. – and it is in convincing people to make that call ahead of time, where work may need to be done, rather than taking that responsibility upon yourself on someone else’s behalf.  

We might like to credit ourselves with being creative in the moment, and thinking up great solutions, of how somebody can extricate themselves from a potentially dangerous situation, but the truth is we’re by-and-large not good at it; and I include myself in this. I have had people call me in the past to ask how they should handle a situation, and I don’t believe I’ve ever given them the answer they wanted to hear. Most “developing” and potentially dangerous/violent situations are socially awkward, and so any advice that you give which involves the person having to draw attention to and/or stand up for themselves, etc., isn’t likely to be followed. Most people know that these are the types of solution that they should engage in but are calling you for an alternative, hoping that they won’t have to do this i.e. they want you to provide them with a “magic bullet”, which deals with the incident in a face-saving way, which doesn’t make them feel embarrassed and awkward – if you do give them a solution which meets all of these criteria, you are probably giving subpar and potentially dangerous advice. Dealing with potentially violent situations will make us uncomfortable to some degree, and if somebody is looking to you to give them alternative advice, then they have an unrealistic expectation of what violence looks like.

The most practical universal advice you can give somebody is to tell them to get to a place of safety, and this can be given ahead of time – you don’t have the time or the information to advise them of any other plan/strategy. If they are calling for you to come over and pick them up, because they are about to leave their house or another location, and will meet you at a prearranged place, that’s another matter, but here they are not calling you for advice but to action a pre-determined plan. If somebody calls you for advice because they believe they are being followed, as they walk home at night, your only advice should really be to tell them to hang-up, get themselves to safety and call/text 911, not spend the time talking to you, etc. This is all advice that can, and should, be given ahead of time.

“Call me” is a simplistic piece of personal safety advice, that disempowers people from thinking about their own safety, nstead handsing it over to ourselves – who in that moment are probably not able to offer any new advice or any actual practical assistance. The time to give personal safety advice and talk about tactics and strategies, of what to do when confronted by danger is ahead of time. It may be that you feel you can “handle yourself” and so this ability could somehow be borrowed by your less-savvy friend or loved one, but if you are unsure of what to advise for a particular situation ahead of time, this is something you should look to find out – it won’t magically occur to you when you’re woken up by your teenage daughter at two in the morning, and even if it did, there wouldn’t be the time to educate her as to what she should do, in that moment. These conversations should be had, whether this is with friends, family members or partners, etc., before a danger is imminent. If you have instructed somebody that their solution to violence, or the threat of violence, is to call you, then you have probably instructed that individual to waste time that could be better employed dealing with the situation in a more pro-active way.